Have you read the book, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus?” That is a cute title, but the book got it wrong. It’s not that close!
Men and women are completely different species. Since we are so different, how do we learn about each other? It is complicated. Truthfully, no one really knows the person they marry. If they think they do, wait 10 years and ask them if they knew each other when they first married. The secret to a good marriage is that marriage is not about marrying the person you love, but loving the person you marry.
Along the marriage journey there are many lessons to be learned. The first lesson is this: “Your marriage is not your parent’s marriage.” I know, I know, one thing you wanted was a marriage that was different than your parents. Whatever your intentions, when you first married you probably had expectations learned from watching marriages around you. Even that of your parents.
I remember learning this in my own marriage. When I was a kid, money sometimes got tight around the house and even ten dollars could make a difference. When things got hard, my dad would go to mom and ask if she had any money hidden away. Amazingly, she often did. Mom had a practice of saving a few dollars here and there and then hoarding it away for a rainy day.
When Liz and I got married, I thought that is what wives did. We were both in college and finances were tight. The first time we ran out of money, I asked my wife and asked if she had any money hidden away. She looked at me like I was from Pluto or maybe was Pluto. In her house that is not what happened and that is not what she did.
I did not explain all this to her at the time, but I learned that she and I would have our own marriage. It turns out that it was better because it was ours. Through the years there have been many more lessons, but this was the first one. Our marriage was our own and would be what we make it.
Lonnie Davis